


star dust

by 101places



Series: trauma days [5]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Canon Character Death Discussed, Canon Temporary Character Death, F/M, Fitz isn't really there but he is sort of, Gen, Hunter (Cameo), Jemma Simmons Has PTSD, Oh I didn't realise that's a tag haha nice, POV Jemma Simmons, Space Team - Freeform, Trauma, episode tag: 6x01 Missing Pieces, season 6 spec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-05 15:40:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18831628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/101places/pseuds/101places
Summary: A series of snippets of Simmons throughout the year.( AKA: I saw 6x01 and it made me depressed so I wrote something so you all have to be depressed with me )





	star dust

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wondered if this was too much while I was writing it, so I'm going to start with some disclaimers. Simmons is clearly not coping & I don't necessarily agree with all of her actions. Also as this is from Simmons POV other characters motivations aren't being explained- they all have reasons for doing & saying what they do & say, I just didn't want to take away from Simmons POV to over-explain
> 
> Also as a warning there is implied torture. It isn't shown and it's up to you to decide whether or not you think it happened, but I felt a warning was necessary anyway
> 
> Anyway, I have something significantly more light-hearted in the works involving the Space Team, so hopefully I'll get that finished sometime next week!
> 
> As always kudos/comments are appreciated, and I hope that you enjoy!

**00.**

“This is it.”

Simmons looked out as the Zephyr came to the ground, anxious energy thrumming through her. They would find out, now, if the past few weeks had been worth it. If the future could be changed. There was a very real chance that at some point during the next few minutes, the whole world would crack open like an egg. Remembering what that future had been like, Simmons couldn’t stop shaking.

“Hey,” The moment that her thoughts turned down a dark path Fitz appeared by her side, wrapping his arm around her, “It’s going to be okay.”

“We don’t know that. Everything we’ve done may have been for nothing. Time may be unchangeable.”

“If it is, then we’ll face it together.” 

They stayed like that for a moment, until they heard the sound of footsteps in the corridor outside. People were preparing to disembark. It was time.

Fitz untangled himself from Simmons and her side immediately felt cold. As she watched him walk away she felt her anxiety return tenfold, forming a choke hold around her.

“Wait,” She called out after him.

Fitz turned back to face her, smiling. “I’ll be back.” He promised, before turning around again.

She wanted to run after him, feeling as though if she didn’t she’d never see him again, but her legs felt as though they’d turned to lead- no matter how she tried, she couldn’t take even a single step after him.

Then, just as the door clicked shut behind him, her eyes snapped open.

Simmons stared around her dark room, trying to calm her frantic breathing. She brought her hands up to wipe at her wet cheeks, and looked at the digital clock to her side. 2:46am. That was about normal, nowadays.

When she was sure she had reigned in her emotions, returning to her typical numb state, she slipped out of bed, preparing herself for a long day.

 

**01** .

There were many times in Simmons life where, in one moment, everything had changed, and she’d felt that strange sensation where she just knew that nothing would be the same again.

When she’d heard Weaver’s warning about Hydra. When she’d woken at the bottom of the ocean. When she’d watched Triplett descend into a dark hole. When she’d crashed onto the blue sand of Maveth. When she’d been torn from Fitz at Gloucestershire castle. When she’d watched Agnes’ body fall to the ground.

Those moments where it feels like you exist separately from the rest of the world, in your own little bubble, as your brain frantically tries to process the terrible information that it’s just been presented with.

Despite having experienced this sensation so many times in the past, however, this time it felt different. Instead of watching the world shift around her as she processed how things were now, she felt as though it was all coming crumbling down.

“I’m so sorry.” Mack said. “I was there with him until the end.”

  
  


**02** .

After the denial, the anger and the grief, there was nothing.

It had only been a day since she had been told about Fitz, but she felt as though every ounce of emotion had left her body, leaving her totally hollow inside. She couldn’t bring herself to even go through the motions of life, not with Fitz being gone. What was the point when she didn’t have him to share it with?

She’d holed herself up in their- her- room since she’d exhausted herself hours prior, though she hadn’t slept. While she felt exhaustion deep down to her bones, the thought of sleep was unappealing. So for the past few hours she had been laying silently, doing nothing and letting the world continue on turning without her.

Then, the door opened.

She didn’t look up to see who had decided to keep her company. It didn’t matter to her, because she knew that it wouldn’t be the one person that she wanted to see.

“So this is where you’ve been.” May said, walking over and pulling out a chair for herself.

Simmons didn’t reply at first, letting silence drag on until it became unbearable. “I don’t want to talk.”

“I don’t blame you.” May’s reply caused Simmons to shift her gaze so she could see her, though even this tiny movement felt like a herculean effort. “And I don’t expect you to.”

Numbly, it hit Simmons that May was likely experiencing something that was, in some ways, similar to what she was. Fitz was dead. And Coulson was dying.

She couldn’t help but let her mind drift back to another time when May had stood beside her, understanding that terrible guilt that had clawed in her chest since she found out what Andrew had done to those Inhumans better than anyone else.

Simmons didn’t say anything else after that, and neither did May, but the two stayed in each other’s company for hours, silently sharing in their grief.

 

**03** .

It was two days since Fitz’s death when Simmons dared step outside her room. Though there were no windows within the Lighthouse, from the quiet of the base she could tell that it was night-time. This was preferable, honestly. Simmons didn’t want to see anyone. She didn’t want to have to deal with the pity they would surely show her.

So she walked down the corridors aimlessly, letting her feet carry her as her mind wandered. So absent-minded, she didn’t realise that the room she had walked into was already occupied until a voice spoke up in greeting.

“Simmons,” Piper was clearly surprised to see her, “I don’t… I don’t know what to say.”

Simmons looked at Piper absently. “Then don’t say anything.”

Piper paused, then nodded, turning back to the screen she had been working at before Simmons had entered.

Simmons looked up at the large screen. It was showing news footage, reporting on the destruction after Graviton and Daisy’s fight. At least 100 people were reported to have died during it, so far. 100 deaths, 100 families experiencing this grief. Simmons wondered if any of them felt exactly as she did right now.

Heavy footsteps crashed on the floor as Davis entered the room. He approached Piper, trying to keep his voice low, but as the room was otherwise silent, his voice carried across to Simmons easily. “Have you seen Deke? I’ve been busy with everything, but I realised I haven’t heard from him since before all of this, and I just checked his room, but it’s empty.”

It was as if someone had taken a knife and twisted it. Simmons already knew that Deke was gone. Not only had he not made any attempts to find her over the past two days, but it was simple maths. The timeline had been changed. All remainders of their time travel would be erased to prevent a paradox. Deke couldn’t come back from the future if the future never happened, just like-

“Daisy was asking about him earlier, so I’ve been running a search. Looks like he left sometime before the fight. I found security footage of him at a few bus stations across the state.” Piper said.

Simmons tore her gaze from the news, looking over at Piper and Davis. They didn’t appear to notice her interest.

“Huh. I guess that makes sense. Going out to see the world, finally.” Davis nodded, his curiosity satisfied.

Simmons, on the other hand, found that this was only the beginning of her questions.

“When is the security footage dated?” She asked, walking over to Piper and Davis quickly, “After the timeline was changed?”

Piper gave a startled nod, “Well- not the first one, but after that, yeah.”

That shouldn’t be possible.

Unless they hadn’t changed  _ the _ future, but rather  _ their _ future. A future. If they had simply created an alternate timeline where that future wouldn’t happen to them, then Deke’s future still existed somewhere. And it  _ that _ was true, then…

Without another word, Simmons turned and left the room. She didn’t want to let herself hope, but if Deke was truly still alive, then logic dictated that, somewhere out there, Fitz should be, too.

  
  


**04** .

“Not that I’m not happy to hear from you, but how did you get this number?”

“That doesn’t matter. I just need you to tell me everything that you know about where Enoch sent Fitz.”

There were a few beats of silence on the other side of the phone, then: “...I heard about what happened. I’m sorry.”

“Save your apologies. I have a theory, and if I’m right- and I’m certain that I am- Fitz is still alive.”

“What.”

“I could explain the physics behind time travel to you, but I think we both know that would be pointless. Please, just tell me what I need to know.”

“If you really think you can find him, then fine. I’ll do what I can to help.”

For the first time since she’d heard the news, Simmons smiled. “Thank you, Hunter.”

  
  


**05** .

The lab was a mess.

Under normal circumstances, this would irritate Simmons more than anything else, but right now she couldn’t care less. The work she was doing now was the most important in her life, and she couldn’t waste precious time stopping to make sure the lab was orderly. Besides, it wasn’t as if she was working with anyone. As long as she knew where everything was, that was all that mattered.

Now, she knew where Fitz should be. Using the information that Hunter had given her, and her own logic, she had narrowed down the area considerably. All that was left was working out how to get there. Even with the modified Zephyr, it would take too long to travel that far- but she had an idea. She just needed to iron out a few bugs first.

She knew that she was more than capable of this, though. It was only a matter of time until she cracked it. She just needed to keep on working until she got there.

Then, the door opened.

Simmons didn’t bother looking to see who had entered. A few agents had stuck their heads in since she had begun her work, each concerned and wanting to offer her support. She had sent each of them away, knowing that they would be more of a hindrance than anything. This time would be no different.

“We’re holding the service.” Mack’s voice spoke up.

Simmons paused. “For who?”

“Fitz.”

Simmons continued her work, rolling her eyes. “Well, that seems like a waste of time.”

“What?”

That was right. She had only explained the situation to Hunter- as far as Mack was concerned, Fitz was dead. Simmons turned on the spot and walked over to him.

“Fitz isn’t dead.” Simmons explained, gesturing with her hands, “Remember how he found us in the future- he froze himself. Right now, he’s out there, frozen in a Chronicom vessel. We need to find him and bring him home.”

Mack looked down at Simmons, his brows creasing and showing his concern. “Bobbi and Hunter broke radio silence to tell me what you told them. I already know about this, and we will do everything that we can to find Fitz.”

Simmons blinked, not understanding. “Then why are you holding the service? He’s alive.”

“Look, I’m… not going to act like I understand this, but even if there’s a version of him out there somewhere- a version of him still died here. We need to honour that. We need to mourn that.”

Simmons scoffed, turning back to her work. “I’m not going to waste anymore time with that.”

Mack caught Simmons arm. “How long have you been in here for? How long have you been without sleep? Without food? You need to slow down, and give yourself more than two days to mourn your husband’s death.”

Simmons pulled her arm away. “With all due respect, Mack, I know what I need. If you need your service, then fine. I won’t stop you from holding it. But I will not grieve a man who is still alive.”

Mack stepped back, looking at Simmons with a pitying expression, before taking a step back. “If you change your mind, you know where we are.”

Watching him go, Simmons felt a stab of guilt in her chest, but she squashed it back down. She didn’t have time to coddle the feelings of her team-mates. Fitz needed her, and she didn’t intend to let him down again.

  
  


**06** .

Everything was ready. The Phase Harmonic Teleportation Device was connected to the Zephyr, and a test run had been taken to ensure that it would work as Simmons had planned. Mack had named finding Fitz SHIELD’s first official mission under him as director, and had assigned a number of agents to it. Everything, it seemed, was just waiting to come together.

There was only one thing they had left to do on Earth.

Simmons looked around at the small gathering, her gaze finally lingering on Coulson.

He had anywhere between a few days and a few weeks remaining. There was a very real chance that, by the time they returned home, he would be dead. It was why May wasn’t coming on the mission, and why Simmons was particularly touched that Daisy was.

Thinking of Coulson dying was strange and, even now, brought tears to her eyes. It would be insincere to say that Coulson was the first figure of authority that Simmons had truly admired- it was in her nature to look up to those above her, especially when she had been younger and less experienced with the working of the world and the institution she pledged herself to- but Coulson had always been different to everyone else.

Coulson had always encouraged independent thought. The times where she had felt it necessary to take a stand against him, she had always known that he would understand. Through every difficult, frightening and traumatic experience over the past few years, she knew that ultimately she could rely on him.

While she didn’t see Coulson as a father figure in the same intense way that Daisy did, he had had a profound impact on her life and her growth into the person that she was today.

And, now, she could be saying goodbye to him for the last time.

Unable to help herself, Simmons wrapped her arms around Coulson. He held her in return, speaking quietly so that she would be the only one to hear. “Take care of yourself, Jemma. No matter what happens next, remember who you want to be, and be kind to yourself. Consider that my last order to you as Director.”

Simmons smiled sadly into his shoulder. “I will try my best, sir.”

 

**07** .

“I don’t understand.” Was all Simmons could say as she stared out at the empty space in front of her.

“Maybe the coordinates are wrong?” Piper offered.

“No. I checked. We’re in the right place. This is where he should be. Why is there nothing? There shouldn’t be nothing.”

“Piper, check the coordinates again anyway.” Daisy ordered, ignoring the sharp look that Simmons gave her.

Piper darted to the control panel, then paused. “The coordinates are fine, but I think I see something.”

Simmons and Daisy rushed to the window that Piper was staring out of. At first, it seemed that there was nothing, but upon a closer look there seemed to be something small floating outside the window.

“What is that? A meteor?” Daisy wondered, squinting.

Simmons didn’t offer a reply. Instead she left the room, causing Daisy to have to hurry to follow her. Simmons brushed past the agents milling about, stopping only when Mack called out to her. She held the mask she had been about to slip on in her hands, her expression showing just how much she didn’t want to stop.

“It’s not a meteor.” She ground out. “It’s too perfect for that. It looked mechanical. If we bring it inside the Zephyr I can take a closer look at it- it may tell us why he isn’t here. This mask is based on Deke’s- it will make it perfectly safe to exit the Zephyr.”

Mack sighed. “Alright, but you’re not being sent out. Daisy?”

Daisy nodded and held her hand out for the mask. “I’m fine with that.”

Begrudgingly, Simmons handed the mask over and waited while Daisy left and retrieved the object.

This was supposed to be it. It was supposed to just be a matter of coming out here and finding him. She was supposed to have him back by now- she wasn’t supposed to be left with an empty stretch of space and a piece of debris that functioned as the smallest possible lead.

But if this was all that she had, then it was all that she had. She would work twice as hard from here on, and she would bring him home.

  
  


**08** .

It had taken weeks, but finally they had narrowed down the location of Enoch’s ship. Simmons had no doubt left- this was the planet that Enoch had chosen to land on.

Her current theory was that the Chronicom vessel had been attacked at some point after the future had been changed, and that Enoch had been forced to retreat to avoid injury. Of course, having no idea that the extinction-level event had been averted, Enoch wouldn’t realise that it was safe to return to Earth, so he would have picked a different, alien planet.

The planet that the Zephyr arrived at certainly fit Simmons expectations. It seemed to be uninhabited by sentient life, with an atmosphere that could sustain humans (albeit not without some discomfort- the gravity was marginally heavier than it was on Earth). Safe from wandering eyes, and safe if Fitz needed to be taken out of cryogenic sleep. If Simmons had been in Enoch’s position, this was the type of planet she would have chosen to hide.

The Zephyr began its journey around the small planet, and every moment that passed Simmons found herself growing calmer.

Today was the day. Today, she would see Fitz again. She would hold him, and be held. She would tell him about everything that had happened since she had last seen him, and she would help him sort through the pieces of his mind that were damaged. She’d ensure that things went better this time.

Though she knew it was dangerous, she let her thoughts get away from them, wandering to the wonderful future that was waiting for them.

“Oh, god…” Piper’s voice was quiet, but seemed to echo around the room.

Simmons looked out of the window and saw just what had inspired Piper’s horror.

On the planet’s surface was half of the Chronicom vessel.

Simmons felt that familiar numb sensation rise.

“Davis, land  _ now _ .” Mack called out over the nervous voice of the other agents.

The Zephyr came to a shaky landing, but no one commented on it. Daisy and the rest of the recon team began to make their way out of the ship, and Simmons pushed through to join them. No one tried to stop her.

Entering the damaged ship, Simmons felt sick to her stomach.

“He was in cryogenic sleep.” Simmons spoke aloud, mostly just trying to alleviate her own fears. “The chamber would have protected him from the vacuum.”

Daisy looked over at her and nodded. The group continued onwards.

In the ship, there was nothing. No sign of Enoch, and no sign of Fitz. The rest of the recon team were doing another check of the ship in case they had missed a lead, but Simmons had to get away from the group, leaving the ship and wandering away from the Zephyr.

Before leaving the Zephyr, they had checked the air on the planet. It was approximately the same mixture of gasses as on Earth. There was no reason for Simmons to be struggling to find her breath. She leaned heavily against a rock structure, blaming the way her legs threatened to give way beneath her on the heavier gravity.

“Simmons.” Daisy spoke, evidently having followed her from the ship. “Jemma. Hey.”

Daisy strode over, pulling Simmons into her arms. Held securely by one of her closest friends, Simmons let herself sob for the first time since this mission had begun.

  
  


**09** .

Simmons hated returning to Earth.

She understood why it was, occasionally, necessary. The Zephyr didn’t have an unlimited supply of fuel or food. However, these stops should last for a few hours at most. There was no reason to stay on Earth for days at a time, when they could be out there looking for Fitz. Simmons also hated returning to Earth because every time they did, fewer and fewer agents returned to the Zephyr.

Everyone was gradually giving up hope on Fitz. It was something that distressed Simmons to see- but the current person who was giving up didn’t just distress Simmons. It infuriated her.

“You’re really telling me to give up?” She demanded.

“That’s not what I’m saying.” Mack argued. “But it’s been six months, and we have nothing to show for it. I want to find him, but I can’t justify spending so much of our resources on this. There comes a point where we are going to have to accept-”

“Accept what? That he’s dead?” Simmons demanded. “I will never accept that. I know that he’s still out there, and until someone shows me his body, I will not give up on him.”

“We have shown you his body.”

Simmons froze.

“You haven’t been on Earth for long enough to visit his grave. You haven’t even asked where he was buried. I don’t think that this mission is helping you process what happened.”

To her side, Simmons hands curled into fists, and it took everything in her to swallow down the anger rising up. “No matter what you say,  _ Director _ , I will bring him home.”

Without waiting for Mack’s reply, Simmons turned and left, walking straight past Daisy, who had been waiting outside Mack’s office for her. Simmons kept walking until she reached the empty Zephyr, keeping her anger locked inside until she was away from prying eyes.

When she was in the Zephyr’s lab alone, she lashed out, throwing everything she could get her hands on away from her, and eventually just dropping to the ground, staring at the mess she had created apathetically.

Some time passed, and she heard footsteps outside the lab, followed by Daisy’s voice quietly calling out her name. Simmons wiped her face dry and rose, heading out into the corridor to meet her friend.

Seeing her, Daisy walked over, getting a look at the lab behind her but choosing not to comment on it.

“I spoke with Mack,” Daisy began, “He’s agreed to let us continue with a skeleton crew. Just you, me, Davis and Piper. They both agreed to it.”

Simmons nodded, and Daisy turned to leave.

“I’ll start prepping the Zephyr for the next jump.” Daisy called out over her shoulder.

“Wait.” Simmons spoke. Daisy stopped walking and turned back to face her.

“Yes?”

Simmons hesitated, then shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. Just… thank you, Daisy.”

Daisy smiled. “It’s no problem.”

  
  


**10** .

“You’re leaving again?” Yo-Yo asked.

Simmons nodded as best as she could over the large boxes of food she was stocking the Zephyr with.

“It’s quiet around here with you all in space.” Yo-Yo continued. “Almost makes me want to come with you.”

Simmons chuckled softly. “Past events have shown me that we are not the best partnership.”

Yo-Yo grimaced. “That may be true.”

Simmons set the box down, looking Yo-Yo over with a strange expression. “Do you ever regret it?”

“Regret what?”

“How far you went.” Simmons expanded. “I understand, now, your motivation. Was it worth it, to you?”

Understanding what Simmons was really asking, Yo-Yo replied instantly, “Yes. Even if no one can look at me in the same way, even if he keeps himself shut in his office more often than not- having this chance is better than not having it. I wouldn’t change my actions.”

“I wonder, sometimes, how far I may have to go.” Simmons admitted. “What I thought would be a simple recovery mission is taking far longer than I ever estimated. I never know what we are going to encounter when we leave. I keep wondering if I will be put in a situation where I will have to make a decision that he wouldn’t approve of.”

“But?” Yo-Yo prompted, feeling that Simmons had more to say.

Simmons smiled sadly. “But I know that if the roles were reversed there is nothing he wouldn’t do to find me.”

Yo-Yo shrugged. “No matter what happens, you will have to do things that others won’t understand. I’ve learnt that this is how these things go. You can’t worry about others. If what you do feels right to you, then focus on that.”

“I think this is why our partnership would not end well.” Simmons pointed out, “We are both too willing to do anything.”

Yo-Yo made a noncommittal noise. “You should finish your work. I’ll keep things running here while you’re gone.”

The two remainders of the supposedly invincible trio parted ways.

  
  


**11** .

“We need to know who supplied fuel to that vessel.” Daisy spoke calmly, looking down at the alien they had restrained.

The alien laughed. “I will not conspire against my business partners. I value my life more than that.”

“Oh?” Simmons spoke up, “Interesting that you should say that. If you do not comply with us, you will die. This is simply a fact. If you do comply, you will have time to protect yourself before your ‘business partners’ become aware of your betrayal. Of course, you may die still, but any child would tell you that a 5% chance of survival is better than a 0% chance.”

“You don’t scare me, terrans. Even with your reputation, I can see that you are soft. You plan to scare me into speaking?  _ Please _ . You won’t raise a finger against me. You don’t have it in you.”

“Really? An interesting theory. What do you say we test it?”

Daisy and the alien watched as Simmons turned her back, retrieving the instruments that had supposedly only been in the room to make them appear more intimidating.

“I have always wondered what it would be like to dissect a living alien. This will be quite the fascinating experience for me. I suspect it will be less enjoyable for you. Any time you wish it to end, all you need do is talk.”

After the interrogation was over, they had their next location.

  
  


**12** .

Everything was crumbling around once again. Through everything over the past year- and even before, Simmons had been able to rely on Daisy always having her back. Always standing by her side. Always encouraging to keep going, to fight on, to never give up. Yet here she was, saying they needed to return to Earth.

Just to regroup and refuel. For tactical reasons. But Simmons was far from an idiot- she knew what this really meant.

Every time they returned to Earth, fewer people boarded the Zephyr. It’s why Simmons had insisted they keep going for the past few months- if they went back to Earth, she knew that no one would come back on board, and it would take too long for Simmons to learn how to pilot the Zephyr alone.

They couldn’t go back. Especially not now, when they had a lead. The longer they waited, the further away Fitz would get- now knowing that he was awake, she knew that he would keep moving further and further. They had to hurry and find him before he hid himself somewhere that they would never find him, or before someone with malicious intentions got ahold of him first.

Simmons was prepared to make her point known, to explain to Daisy in as much detail as she could manage exactly why they had to keep going.

But before she could really begin, they were under attack. There was no time left to argue.

Simmons knew that the others may never forgive her for this. She knew that she was going against their wishes- but she also knew that if she didn’t do this, she would never see Fitz again. In the end, it wasn’t even a choice.

All she could do was press the lever and apologise.


End file.
